Day 5 Continued: Amani Baby Cottage—Love At First Sight!!!

WOW!! Where to begin?!?! ….Really, I mean I don’t know where to even start!  First, let me explain to you how I was feeling before leaving for this trip.  I would often say to my Patrick, my parents, and my family & friends simple statements like, “Well who knows—When I get back I might just be a MOM!”  Or… “Mom & Dad, you might be Grandparents when I get back!”  Or… “Patrick—What if you are a Dad by the time I get back? I mean seriously—Who knows? Only God knows!!”  When I would say these statements it was for pure joy—Because really, I’m not ready to be a momma yet…I’m still in school…Patrick and I aren’t married—We aren’t even engaged yet! …We don’t have full time jobs…and the list went on and on and on.  So I really was just having fun and joking around.  However, although I would simply joke…I would wonder in the back of my heart and in the depth of soul if God would actually have this planned for my life? I know myself and how attached to children I can get and obviously going on a mission trip to Africa where there are just HUNDREDS of ORPHANS—The thought would cross my mind, “Why can’t I just be their momma? All these children don’t have one and all they really want is LOVE.  Love from a mommy and daddy…someone to hug, kiss and love on them.  And they don’t get that attention? HOW and WHY is this fair?” But to get to the point—I knew my heart would ACHE for these precious children and that I would most likely be tempted and want to adopt them ALL…But I just didn’t think it would happen.  However, just in case this was something God had planned for my future I wanted to be sure I was following His Will.  So, at night, I would pray and talk with God.  I would say things like, “Ok God, so I really don’t think I’ll be a mom when I come back from Africa…BUT, if I’m supposed to be…please…PLEASE let me know!  I mean, there are going to be SO many children and orphans over there and I’m going to fall in love with all of them I am sure.  And, obviously it’s not realistic to bring them all back home with me or to adopt them all…So God, please—PLEASE make it obvious.  Whoever I’m supposed to adopt…IF this is your Will…Please make it obvious and give me signs.  I will be okay with whatever you have planned for me and my life because I know it’s going to be the BEST life!”  So, I would pray about this and then would be at peace about the situation because I honestly didn’t think anything would come of it.

As my team and I had our weekly conference calls prior to our trip our team leaders would talk about or schedule and how everything is subject to change.  They mentioned how nothing is ever set in stone and although visiting one location is on our agenda, it doesn’t automatically mean we will go there for sure.  They also explained how the Amani Baby Cottage was a good example for this.  At the moment it was written down that we were to go visit but anything was possible and something might come up where it wouldn’t work to go there.  I looked at Shelby and would say to here, “Oh I hope we can go to the Baby Cottage!!!! I just really want to go there!!”  I then explained this to my team leader as well and just said I just really, really—really want to go there!  But, it was weird…because I don’t know why it was just this location? We were only going to be staying there for a few hours and there really wasn’t anything so special about this place—every other location would be just as meaningful and important…But for some reason I just couldn’t take my eyes off of “Amani Baby Cottage” on our itinerary. So I prayed and hoped that it would work out for us to go there.  And it did!!! :)



We arrived to the Amani Baby Cottage and I was so excited to be there!! THERE!! This location, the place that I just felt like I had to visit…We were finally there!  So, we got off our bus and one of the sweet ladies took us on a little tour of the orphanage. 

There were 22 of us so we all formed a pretty big line or cluster if you will…and we went into the building.  She showed us a few rooms and then we got to one room that had these small, wooden cribs lined up against the whole wall.  I just remember thinking that I wanted to bring more color to the rooms and I wanted to give them some nice soft blankets to cuddle up with.  But at the same time, I thanked God for providing for them because this orphanage was very nice and clean! As we walked into this room, I was sort of at the middle of the line, but as we walked in our line wrapped around the room and I ended up standing right in the corner of the room—Which was right next to the door.  A few people were asking questions and talking to the lady and I just wanted to walk outside so I walked out onto the sidewalk and walked until I was about in the middle of the sidewalk.  I stopped and just stood smiling because there were about 2 Nannies with about 6 little kids on the lawn playing with some toys.  Of course, right away I wanted to walk right over there and start playing with the kids.  But, I know that these Nannies are in charge and have a schedule with these children.  I didn’t want to come off as being disrespectful by any means, so I just stood there smiling.  Then, all of a sudden, I turned my head and my eyes met this little bundle of JOY in a warm sunshine color onesie standing in the middle of the yard—RIGHT across from me!! And wouldn’t you know it…He was walking RIGHT to me.  I mean…RIGHT to me!!! :)  He had found ME before I had even seen him!!  It was just crazy.  So he kept taking his little steps…and I could tell that he had just started walking because he looked as if he could still fall down, so I wasn’t sure if he would make it the whole way to me.  I of course wanted to meet him half way but I kept thinking to myself, “Well, if he walks right to me I can pick him up and that won’t be respect, right?”  Then one of the girls on our team said, “Shanna, he’s walking right to you!!”  And I looked at her and smiled and said, “I KNOW!!”  :)  And he did just that!! He walked the WHOLE way to me… and I couldn’t take my eyes off him… And, it was LOVE at first sight. :) He wrapped his arms around me and I picked him up and I just felt like I was complete.  I was content.  This was all I needed—HE was all I needed.  I could just stay with him there for the rest of the time.  The rest of the team came out of the building and they all smiled and looked at me like Oh Goodness!!  Then Shelby said, “How did you get him already?”  And I said, “He walked right to me!!!” :) :) :)

Then the team started walking into the next building and I just didn’t want to leave him or put him down.  It was just weird, I felt like I couldn’t let go of him—Like it was SO difficult for me to set him down…And I know it sounds crazy—It did to me too!  Because really, I had only held him in my arms for a few minutes but I just felt like we had this bond like nothing I had ever felt before.  I was standing there still holding him and doing everything I could to not have to leave him.  I asked one of the nannies what his name was……And she said Richard.  Wait…WHAT?  Richard?? …..Oh okay I said…Hi Richard:)  And then I thought of my dad because my Dad’s middle name is Richard.  And I thought…Hmmm..that’s sort of crazy!!!  And I was thinking in my heard—You’re already named after your grandpa!!!  I stood there still holding him…talking with God…I was having just a crazy conversation in my head with God!  “God, is this my kid?? I mean—Seriously??? Could this be?? Is this HIM?!!  Did you know about this?  Did you have this planned??  God this is my kid, isn’t it?”  I was trying to keep my calm but all at the same time my heart was heavy and excited!!  I just smiled at God’s Ways and held Richard…thinking of him as MY son!! It was time for me to meet back up with the team, but I felt like I had to explain myself to Richard…Which is really weird—because he is just a little boy and I wasn’t sure if he would even understand…But I just felt like I needed him to know that I would be RIGHT back.  I would just leave him for a little bit and then I would be right back!!!  I just wanted him to know this and to understand.  So I just rubbed his tummy and said, “Ok Richard, I have to go for just a little bit but I’ll come right back to you…Ok buddy…Right back—I promise!”  And with that, I set him down.  And out of NOWHERE Richard was BAWLING…Just CRYING.  I was so surprised by his reaction and wasn’t expecting it at all!! 

Then one of the Nannies looked at him sort of surprised as well and said, “Richard—Well Richard, come here.”   He was still just screaming and crying!!!   Then one of the sweet ladies, Doneva, that was on my team was standing next to me and I noticed that she was wiping her tears away…Then I looked back at Richard and before I knew it my emotions just took over me.  I was CRYING my eyes out!!! Like…BAWLING…I was having a hard time catching my breath—That’s how hard I was crying!! It was so weird because I wasn’t expecting to be so moved and to cry like this too.  I walked away…feeling so broken and empty.  What had just happened???  Why am I feeling this way?? Why do I feel so sad???  I was still having a hard time catching my breath…When I walked into the next building and Shelby found me all upset and said, “Are you ok?”  And I just shook my head…and thought to myself…What am I supposed to do?  That’s my little boy…isn’t it?  God it has to be?  Right?  Meanwhile, I’m still crying my eyes out…and the windows of the building were open and I could still see and hear him—Just his loud, piercing cry kept ringing in my ears.  It was taken all that I had not to turn around and run right back to him.  I felt like the time was taking forever and I just wanted the tour to be done so that I could go back to him.  Our team headed out the same door we came in…I was still at the window watching Richard.  One of the nannies had him in her arms and was trying to rock him to get him calmed down….But no, he was still SO upset.  I watched them and as she saw our team start walking back outside…she turned around.  I’m thinking she felt like she had to separate us because she knew we both were having just such a hard time!  So we went to one more room and saw the really little babies and then our tour was over.  SO I went RIGHT back to Richard!  I found him sitting in his crib…and as soon as I walked into his room he reached his arms out towards me…and again, I felt this remarkable bond.  Just something so very special and I just had this feeling in my heart that this was God’s plan for me…This was one of the biggest reasons I was led to go on this trip…Because I was going to be a mother….

Richard and I spent the WHOLE time together—We were just attached.  I felt like I couldn’t spend enough time with him and I didn’t want to leave at all.  I remember spending time with him and thinking…feeling like this was just meant to be.  It felt like I had known him my whole life and that this was what life was about.  …As we spent our time together, one of the ladies on our team mentioned to me that she had heard he had an Uncle that was planning on taking him.  She explained that she figured this news would make our having to say good-bye a little easier on me.  I smiled and thanked her because it did—For just a split second it did.  I had this relief, but then my heart ached…because God, he’s supposed to be my son?  Isn’t he?  ….I started to get confused but reminded myself to rely fully on God and His direction…on His Plans…and on His strength.  I knew I needed to still be fully committed to the rest of our time in Africa and to focus on loving and serving the children we would meet.  So, although I left there feeling a little confused…feeling sad…and somewhat empty…I remembered that just like everything else in life, God knows EVERYTHING.  He has ALL the details already planned out.  Maybe Richard has an uncle?  Maybe that’s only temporary? And if he does have an uncle, maybe his uncle feels obligated to care for him?  Maybe if he knew I’d be more than willing to adopt him and take him in as my son…he would be okay with that.  Maybe he would understand that I could give and offer him so much in America?  Because really, maybe he’s supposed to be my son?  Maybe this is just supposed to be a beautiful memory that I’ll hold forever in my heart?  …I don’t know? Do I think that?  Not at all.  I feel like he’s my son and maybe I’m not right?  Maybe God does have other plans for his life that don’t include me…Maybe this is just supposed to be a sweet memory I hold forever in my heart…Maybe?  But I don’t know what the answer is…BUT…Thankfully—God does! So, I am trusting HIM…Depending on HIM! …And I will rely on Him to give me clarity.    

Now that I am back in America I am still torn and still a little confused.  I feel like I haven’t been the same since I’ve been home…Why?  Yes it was such a great experience.  It was so very life changing…My eyes were finally opened to the things unseen…My heart has had the opportunity to love and make a difference in the lives of the fatherless…I am realizing just how blessed I am—However, lately I’ve been feeling more like how spoiled I am rather than blessed…But I really have learned so many things from going on this trip—So I would be a different girl no matter if I met Richard and had this experience with him or not. However, one of the biggest changes and feelings I have is because I have in my heart that I am a momma.  I FEEL like I am a mom.  And not just “a” mom—Richard’s mom. 

So friends, I’m honestly stuck and not sure what I’m supposed to do?  —Besides PRAY and ask God for His strength and His patience…Coming home and missing Richard has really been so hard for me.  It’s actually a lot harder than I had expected.  Everywhere I go he is on my mind.  I think about him and I am reminded about him at all times.  I’ve been having such a hard time getting back into my schedule and going back to my ordinary life because I FEEL different.  I AM different.  I find myself in the store and whatever I see I feel like I need to get for Richard—Or somehow it ties into Richard being my son.  I came across this really soft and cozy teddy bear and I thought, “Oh Richard would LOVE this!”  I walked by an aisle that had bedding for babies…And I was SO tempted to purchase it…”For when he comes home…”  I told myself.  I’ll go to the clothes racks and look though the clothes to see what outfits would “fit” him—Like I know his style already…and I think to myself, “He’ll need clothes for when he comes home, so I might as well start purchasing them now…”  I came across a children’s book that was all about adoption and explained about why a child may not look exactly like their parents and I wanted to buy it for Richard and write on the inside of the cover for him.  I wanted to tell him how happy he makes me and how he adds so much JOY to my life…I picture Christmas time…and I can’t picture spending Christmas without him.  My HEART ACHES for him… For just another kiss… To just squeeze his little chunky legs… To just hug and hold him… I miss what it felt like to have him in my arms.  I have a heavy heart…and I think I always will.  Matter of fact, I KNOW I will always have a special spot for sweet little Richard in my heart—Regardless of the plans God has for us. 

I will tell you this,  I am trying to contact the Director of the Amani Baby Cottage.  I would just like to speak with her and to have her hear our story…And to let her know that I have the BEST intentions for this little boy and that I truly feel like he IS my son.  I know because I am a young single girl that the odds of me adopting him right now aren’t very well.  I know that because he has an uncle that is planning to take him, the odds aren’t very good.  However…with ALL of my heart…I believe that IF this is God’s plan for my life and for Richard’s life…IF he is supposed to be my son…GOD. WILL. MAKE. IT. HAPPEN!  …..HE…WILL…MOVE…MOUNTAINS!  …And if I get the clear answer that YES, he is definitely supposed to be my son…I will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can to make it happen!  After all, I did promise him I would come back…