My Heart's Desire...

Hey All! Here is a video that Shelby and I put together to capture some of our favorite moments from our trip.  The song is called My Desire by Jeremy Camp.  I LOVE this song and thought it would be perfect for our video.  Thanks to ALL of you who have helped support us and donate for our trip.  It means SO SO much and we truly are grateful!  Enjoy the video! We hope you like it! :)

Uganda & Kenya 2011 from ShannaBahn on Vimeo.

Day 12--Saying Good-Bye...

This morning was one of the hardest mornings. So far on this trip I have encountered a handful of times where my heart was hurting and where I was dreading the situation, which was having to say good-bye.  When we were in Uganda and we went to the Children’s Prison. I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want to leave those kids there.  There were all so young and so lonely and hopeless…many of them saying that our time there with them was the BEST day of their lives.  The BEST day they had ever had before—just because we took the time to notice them…to play games with them…to give them love and attention. I did not want to leave.  Driving away on our bus my heart was SO heavy and SO sad. Then, when I met Richard the following day…I had this special bond with him…and I knew we were only going to be able to spend a few hours at that baby cottage and I was nervous…I was dreading having to leave him and say good-bye.  I didn’t want our time to end.  I had just fallen in love with him and I felt like I had known him forever—why do I have to leave him?? …And why couldn’t I just take him with me? I would love him? I would provide for him…And now, this morning.  I woke, with that nervous/sick feeling in my stomach again and my heart very heavy.  These children are precious…they really are PURE JOY.  They appreciate our time and are just yearning to have our affection…I want to spend more time with them…why is every single person on our team so in love with this place and all of these children—why are we exactly feeling this way?  It’s not just me…it’s not just one of us…WE ALL FEEL IT.  This place has had a deep and special impact on all of our hearts…And now we have to say good-bye.  Our time went so fast…

Our team gathers to have breakfast together…we are all in a quiet mood…Everyone feeling the same thing. I walked outside to go back to our room…and here were the kids standing below…waiting for us to come down and play with them…Oh how I’m absolutely dreading having to say good-bye to them.

I just feel like I can’t sit still…In a way I want to spend as much time with them yet this morning as I could…but at the same time I just want to get this hard part over with…We only have a little bit of time, so our team heads down to be with the kids.  We enjoy spending our last moments with all of the children…all of us trying to put on a happy face and to be strong for these children.  Yes God Loves them.  YES He cares for them…YES He has GREAT plans for them. He does…we believe it and are confident in it…But yet, our hearts are breaking for them…for what they have been through…for that one on one attention and love that they all want so badly. I tried to make the most of our time left…trying not to show my emotions…trying not to “think” about it.

As we are hanging out together…I keep having so many children come up to me and hand me their letters.  A few of the children I’m familiar with—the ones that spent time holding my hand on our walk last night…I feel bad because I don’t recognize or remember who each and every one of them are.  They all got a chance to know me during our time playing What Time is it Mr. Fox.  But still…I feet bad that I wasn’t able to give them all the attention that they need. Below is a picture of Grace.  She’s a sweet, sweet girl.  I feel so bad because I hardly remember seeing her yesterday.  I just remember last night she came up to me and smiled and said she was going to write me a letter.  I smiled and said, “Great! I can’t wait to read it! Thank you so much!” She smiled and ran away to start working on my letter.  All of the other kids were laughing…playing together…taking pictures with all of us. And here, sweet letter Grace sat…the whole time…working so hard on my letter…I could hardly look at her because it just broke my heart. I could tell by how hard she was working on this letter that I somehow…someway…made a big impact on her life.  I just stood there…holding in my tears and focused on this little girl and thought to myself… “Somehow she must have remembered me, right? When did she see me or spend time with me? …Why can’t I remember?”  

Something else that was very special about this place is Duncan.  I’m not sure what it was or how to even begin to explain it…but Duncan felt like he was my cousin or a good friend…or something? I just felt like I was related to him or like he was somehow apart of our family.  It was just this special friendship that we had—all three of us…Me, Shelby and Duncan.  We could all feel it and it was weird because I didn’t really say anything right away…I just let in my soul but Shelby and I mentioned it together and she agreed….Then Duncan had said, “I don’t know what it is. Out of all of the visitors that we had come see us…all 22 of you…I especially feel close with you and your sister.”  I just smiled…because he could feel it too!  It was such a special moment…but one that made my heart hurt even more.  Last night, when I was so sad…I talked with Duncan and explained how much I care for him and for all of the other children here…and I told him that I wish so badly that I could stay and so them my love and support for them.  I was just crying…I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer…I promised him that I would always remember him and pray for him when we got back to America.  He asked about my family…I told him I had a mom and dad named Alan and Gina…and that Shelby and I had an older sister, Stephanie.  I also told him about Patrick…my boyfriend who I would one day marry. I told him how Patrick and I have a heart for helping others and that one day he too wanted to come to Africa.  Duncan told me his story…his childhood…what he had all been through…It was so nice of him to tell me his story…afterwards we talked about how our family always wanted a brother and Shelby and I decided that we now had a brother.  He was in Africa—but he was our brother in Christ. He smiled and agreed. J

Together we met on the hill and sang a few of our songs…It was so hard to sing when I was fighting my emotions and holding them back…at least until we got on the bus…Below is a picture of my friend Caitlin and a little girl she fell in love with…They both stood there holding each other…and just let the tears role down their faces…

We were all so thankful for our sunglasses because they could hide our tears…

It was time…time to say good-bye…time to leave these precious children behind…when in all reality…I did NOT want to. I said good-bye to as many children as I could…I said good-bye to Duncan and shed a few tears…I felt so bad leaving him behind…I felt like he was part of my family—why do I have to leave him behind? He should be coming with us…I continued with a few more good-byes…and I noticed I didn’t see Grace. There were so many children that it was hard to find here and I wondered where she was…where did she go? ….when all of a sudden, she came walking over to me…tears rolling down her face…she wrapped her arms around me…and we just stood there…holding each other. This is when I lost it…this is when I let the tears come. Her friend beside her began to cry as well…so I hugged her in close and we all three cried together…I said my last good-bye and I went on the bus…Below is a picture of the children waving good-bye.

Duncan is in the middle waving...if you look closely you can see in the botton left corner Grace and her friend are crying...

More kids...waving good-bye!

 Sweet Grace, looking up at me...We both just look at each other and cry...

 The kids running after us as we left...ouch...ouch...ouch...My heart.

We were leaving…we were on our way…all of our team…crying their hearts out…all of us hurting for those children…we were emotionally tired and our hearts had never hurt so bad…but we still had one more place to go to…as we sat there and cried…I thought to myself, “How are we going to have enough energy and excitement for the next group of children?”  …Yes they deserve it and yes I want to give that love to them…but after this…I just wanted to sit there for the rest of the day and cry my heart out for the children at Fiwagoh.

We were just about to go out the gates when I noticed John standing there. In the middle of the emotions and with saying good-bye…he was one that I missed and I didn’t know where he was.  Then I saw him…I was so happy to be able to wave good-bye to him one last time.  Sweet John was at my side through the whole entire walk last night…holding my hand…taking pictures…and answering all of my questions…I told him my secret words that I do…I squeezed his hand 3 times…and that was me saying, “I…Love…You!” …He loved this and through the WHOLE walk he kept squeezing my hands—3 times each time.  As we got to the gate…I was on the window side and I smiled out at him…he looked so sad…and he looked so hurt…Like how could we leave? …As my tears continued to come…he mouthed, “I love you.” I smiled and said, “I love you” back to him…(John is the one leaning against the wall.)

My heart is broken...